Anxieties have a schedule

My anxiety has had a pattern of flaring up at the start of each week recently. Is it the looming feeling of failure I’m going to feel as the days pass and I still feel like I haven’t done anything right or productive? Yes most definitely.

Yesterday and the day before I got to spend time with my family in the sunshine and that made things better. I didn’t have to think once about the looming responsibilities or worries I had.
I’m really worried about money, I’m worried about starting my masters next week, I’m worried about making new friends, I’m worried that I’m not good enough for the new journey I’m about to begin, I’m worried that I put a note on the neighbours car window over the weekend to ask them to stop parking opposite our driveway and now they’re going to think I’m snotty (when I’m not I just couldn’t bloody swing my car into the driveway anymore and it was highly annoying), I’m worried about my lack of motivation and if that will continue forever, I’m worried that I’m losing myself.
That is just to name a few things I’m worrying about, the list is endless. I mean I could include how I’m worrying about certain world events which I am always, constantly. I’m worrying about the American elections in November for goodness sake!

Typing this out always helps, but I also feel myself on the edge of tears as I name each worry. I meditate pretty much everyday in the morning and it is not helping me with these worries. I thought meditation was a way of letting go of those the negative feelings, you’re meant to keep hold of that relaxed feeling throughout your day but I can’t!

As I talk about this more and more my mind whirls with thoughts, vision is foggy, can’t move, I can feel it in my stomach. I know it’s just a moment in time and it will pass, I know it’s just a moment in time and it will pass, I know it’s just a moment in time and it will pass.

Yesterday was a rough day

Yesterday was a really rough day, I was exhausted emotionally. I hit a wall and for a good few hours it was hard to drag myself back out. I’ve found the last few nights when going to bed and then waking up the next morning I didn’t even have a moment of release from the murky feelings I was having. The murky feelings were bogging me down heavily, I don’t know if I was doing something specifically wrong or if it was just the chemicals in my brain.

I felt awful as the morning went on, I didn’t get out of bed till 10:30am which isn’t like me anymore. I love taking advantage of the mornings now, meditation with the morning light gives me so much joy. I love my little routine I formed for myself during this chaos. Instead I spent that time on my phone in bed, digging myself into a deeper hole with looking at things that worry me. Money worries, life path worries, anxiety worries.

I sat in the garden and talked to my Mum on the phone, just agreeing that things are currently not great but it’s just a phase and things will get better. The phone call set me off and I couldn’t stop crying, I sat in my garden crying and decided to film myself doing so. I uploaded it to my Instagram story, knowing that I looked like I was seeking attention. As maybe honestly in that moment I was looking for attention. I explained in the post about how I was going through a transitional phase and I felt lost, I had loads of people reach out to me during the course of the day. It reminded me of the kindness that comes with humanity which made me feel very grateful. I made sure to reply to every person so they knew I was appreciative of this kindness, I needed the kindness terribly.

I laid on my favourite blanket in the sunshine and did a 15 minute guided meditation specifically for anxiety. It helped a lot, more than I thought it would. After the guided meditation I did some gratitude journaling which always helps me refocus on what is important. When I looked at the clock again it was quarter to two, I couldn’t believe how time had flown so quickly. I didn’t know if that was the anxiety sucking the time away or if I just got lost on how long I laid on the blanket for.

I still felt heavy and tired. I used to be the type of person who would nap a few times a week but I have seemed to have broken that habit. But yesterday I felt like I needed a nap desperately. But I didn’t nap, I had too many things wiring around in my brain to do so. I spent the rest of the day doing a couple of small chores, listening to music, and writing in my garden. The day melted away and so did my anxiety.

I gave myself the time I deserved, I listened to my body and knew I shouldn’t force myself to do anything I didn’t want to do. I have trouble with listening to my body due to my over present feeling of needing to be productive all the time. But yesterday I really listened and I give myself a pat on the back for that.

I woke up much more positive this morning, I still feel quite tired which is strange as I slept so well. I think I need to listen to my body and take myself off for a nap this afternoon.

I’m trying new things

I started a new thing today.
I got the sewing machine out from the garage, Mum gave it to me when we moved out of our family home last year. This sewing machine has been in our family for 26 years, it’s the same age as me. Mum told me she traded it in for my Grandma’s older one around the time I was born. It’s an important little machine to this family, I have a lot of fond memories of Mum getting it out every
now and again to make curtains or repair something.

It sat in my garage for over a year, collecting dust. Mum came over briefly today and asked me if I wanted her to show me how to thread it and the basics of using it. We had to proceed with caution with the open box, I’ve seen an unusual amount of spiders today so I was expecting another one to surprise me. Only a dead one in there though, we were in the clear.

After a quick wipe down of the machine Mum showed me how to use it, I’ve never used a sewing machine ever. I was surprised at how many steps there was to threading. It’s confusing but I filmed Mum doing all of it so I have that to refer back to if I needed, which I did very quickly after Mum left!
A few weeks ago when me and Mum went to Woodbridge we went into an independent small fabric shop, I said to Mum how I wanted to learn how to sew and maybe make some tote bags. Tote bags seem easy to me, famous last words there right but I use tote bags all the time. So I thought it would be nice to try that first.

We asked the lady at the shop for the best fabric to use, once I picked it we had a nice conversation about making your own items and how she’s glad young people have been gaining more of an interest in doing so again. She was nice, I’m definitely going to go back for my fabric needs. So I bought the fabric and that then sat in a cupboard in my kitchen for a few weeks, the other day I thought to myself that I had failed at something else before I even started. I have an issue with starting anything as I’m afraid of being bad at it. Which I know I will be when I first start, however I have a massive issue with failing and criticism (I know I should work on that, SSHHH). But I’m glad Mum had a chance to show me how to prepare the machine to use it as it’s given me jolt to try it out. A bit later on I sat down in front of it and gave it a proper clean. It felt like I was giving it the love it deserved after having had left it in the garage for so long, I felt bad for neglecting it.
I cut a small square out of the fabric I bought to test out using the machine. The square wasn’t cut out very well as the fabric scissors that were in the box are pretty old now but it’s a practice try so it’s okay. I sewed in a straight line, not exactly straight but we still did it, then I panicked I wasn’t sure how I was meant to detach the fabric from the thread. I assumed cut it as that’s the only possible way. I cut it off but it messed up the whole thread on the machine! I called Mum in a panic as I tried to fix it.
I watched the video of Mum threading it and redid it, tried doing another line of sewing but nothing was attaching to the fabric. AH! I ruined it already. That is honestly where my brain goes to and I’m ready to give up. But I persevered, I went through the threading process step by step again and fixed it! I sewed along the other side and on the bottom and I made a little crappy pocket! The sewing part itself was fun as it was so satisfying to run the fabric quickly along the needle. So that is positive to me continuing on this new lesson.

I’m not proud of the crappy pocket but I’m proud of myself for not giving up. I’m going to watch some tutorial videos and try making mini tote bag and go from there. I can’t wait to teach myself something new. Try something new tomorrow, it’ll make you feel better.

I can’t concentrate

My concentration and attention span is scarce recently. I’m even finding it hard to continue writing this post and I’ve literally written two sentences…

Right I’ll come back to you…

So two and a half hours later I’m now back with you. I’m home alone in my new dedicated space to my studies/writing, so maybe I’ll be able to concentrate better. The lack of concentration is definitely linked to the anxiety and irritability I’ve been feeling. I find it hard for anything to keep my attention especially when I’m anxious about a specific thing, it squashes my brain till it’s a tiny pea and it can only repeat the same thought over and over.

A lot of rational folk would tell you to do something to take your mind off it but that’s not easy, even if I do manage to distract myself with company or an activity my mind will randomly jolt back to the bad thing again and cause more unwelcome discomfort. The pit in my stomach and the thud in my chest, my mind is now occupied with pain once again.
The thing is the awful thing may even be over with now but I still get resounding symptoms of it later on even if I’m feeling okay. I remember when this first happened to me and Mum explained to me that symptoms of anxiety can linger, so you can never escape from the dread!

I think my lack of concentration is linked to how quickly I can now consume media, if it’s not a 10 second tik tok I don’t want it. I skip so many Instagram stories. I can’t concentrate on any TV except for reality TV (you don’t actually have to concentrate on that ever). I tried watching some anime recently, guess what I can’t concentrate on the subtitles! I’ve had a dip in how much I’m reading, I was reading lots of books earlier this year but now I find myself stuck on the same page because I’M. NOT. CONCENTRATING.

Realistically I’m lucky because these are moments that will pass, my anxiety is always circumstantial I’m not diagnosed with a chronic anxiety disorder. I had anxiety when I was in a bad relationship, I ended the relationship and my anxiety cleared eventually. I had anxiety when I was in a high pressure job I hated, I left the job and the chest pains stopped. I had anxiety when I was in another job I hated, I left. You get the idea.
So I can sit in the anxiety knowing that one day it definitely won’t be there anymore…until the next time it is. Because life will always throw situations at you that will suck and then not suck. I just wish I was in the not suck part of life right now.

Hang on, whilst typing this out I’ve now realised that anxiety seems to be a driving force for a lot of the positive life choices I’ve made for myself, I’m so desperate to get rid of it I leave behind whatever is causing it. Now I don’t know how to feel about my anxiety. Well I know I hate it, but has it always been this secret positive thing that actually leads me to better things in life. I can’t recall a time when I ran away from something important that I shouldn’t have due to anxiety.

I wasn’t expecting to end this post with a revelation like that, it’s something to think about definitely. Here’s to hoping I’m going to get to the not suck part of life again soon.

I can be braver

I’ve been suffering with awful anxiety the last couple of weeks, not all the time but enough for it to get annoying. My brain feels like it’s on overdrive, it’s fuzzy and full. Not enjoyable. I feel it rising in my chest right now. Due to current events in my life and the uncertainty of it all I’ve had to be braver than normal and being brave is hard.

Having to put myself in an uncomfortable position leads to anxiety. I like comfort, I love the known, I love my routine. I’m heading into a lot of unknown, the obvious things of losing my job and having to find something else. I’m heading back to university in a couple of weeks to study again. That means new environments, new people, new conversations and new judgements. I’m not prepared for any of it, I do try to prepare myself for new events that may give me anxiety. But no matter what my mind scrambles, breathing is heavy, sweaty palms, so many of the same repeating thoughts a mile a minute. I can feel someone reading those sentences and concluding that what I’ve described is just nerves. I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to justify this but I do, I know the difference. What I’m experiencing currently is anxiety. Anxiety for me is a long lull of lasting symptoms, it doesn’t go away for hours or sometimes days. I grow tiresome and irritable because of it, this is where I’m at currently.

Anyway, back to bravery. In more recent years I’ve realised I have gotten much braver than I was, I was an awfully shy child and young teenager. I leant on my more confident friends to make new friendships for years, I hated that about myself. As I get older I attribute working life and doing my degree in helping me improve my confidence. When I was working or meeting new people I would feel myself just making conversation casually and normally with strangers, the realisation of how much I had grown in confidence was a great feeling.

I still suffer terribly in big groups of people, I’m too shy to talk loudly in front of a lot of people. I find too many people really overwhelming especially as a lot of the individuals I surround myself with have big personalities. I go into a deep hole when I’m around lots of people of worrying about how boring I am, how I’m adding nothing to the conversation and no one would notice if I was gone. I think that contributed to my strange behaviours of leaving nights out without saying bye to anyone (which is also dangerous don’t do it, always tell your friends where you are). If I was on a night out and felt small and shy, like no one would care if I left I would vanish like a ghost with no conversations had. I know I’m insecure and have some issues, this is why I’m writing this.

The thing is I still have time to grow, my confidence will grow even further with age I’m sure of that. But also somethings are just not meant to change and if that’s not hurting anyone else then that’s okay too. I wasn’t sure where I ended up going with this post, except for I’ve been feeling anxious (though I must add compared to earlier when I started typing this post I have calmed down significantly, writing helps – I must remember that too) and I’m getting ready to go to war in my brain as I need to brave again.

By Chance

Amethyst Crystal

By chance I stumbled across this crystal whilst out with Mum over the weekend. I know weird right…considering I’ve just began my spiritual journey. I literally wanted to shout “IT’S A SIGN” to everyone I came across for the rest of the day.
We were strolling down a little walkway towards the main high street in Woodbridge after a cup of tea and some cheese scones. A glint of purple flashed in the corner of my eye and sitting on a wall was this small Amethyst crystal.
My first instinct was to put it back as it may have bad energy attached to it and that’s why it was left by somebody so randomly. But then Mum said well I guess it’s how you choose to view it, it can be a positive sign or it could be a negative object. I chose to see it as a positive sign from the universe and pocketed it. I agreed with myself that if anything terrible happens in my life or home after bringing it home I would remove it from my house. Nothing bad has happened as of yet!
I just want to reiterate how strange it is for a random object like a crystal to be just left for someone else to pick up. It makes me wonder if someone wanted to pass it onto someone who needed it the most, so they left it to be picked up by the rightful person. Or it could have escaped from its previous home all by itself to find me, jumped off a windowsill and scaled the brick wall! What an adventure for my new small crystal to endure. Alright, I know I’m talking out of my arse, but it’s comforting to think that maybe someone left it for me to find.
When I got home I researched what an Amethyst was used for and what it meant exactly. So strangely I’m an Aquarius and Amethyst is my birthstone…when I read that I couldn’t quite believe it. Don’t get me wrong I understand how Amethyst is a fairly popular crystal but I thought how wonderful that it’s already connected to me in some form. It’s also connected to the crown chakra, which means helping you to connect to your higher self. So this could aid in new spiritual awakenings. Considering my current position in life and my new insights into life and spirituality, it fit perfectly.
I couldn’t help but feel so excited to have come across this item to bring home with me as it felt like it had so much meaning to me already. It felt like it presented itself to me freely and readily to be taken to its new home with me. It was like hidden treasure but only for me to grasp.

My Spiritual Journey…?

So I’ve been sucked into my own spiritual journey this past month. I feel a bit ashamed to say it but it’s all because of Tik Tok. I know I’m the worst but hear me out. On my for you page it was full of people talking about manifesting, spirit guides, angel numbers and meditation. I mean there was a reason I was being shown these videos in the first place, there’s an algorithm. I was already open to it, I’m quite an open person.

After seeing this for a few days I was interested and wondered if there was something more for me. I had also been seeing the numbers 1111 everywhere for months, I still see those numbers everywhere. I now make it a habit of shouting “IT’S 11:11” or “Hi Grandma!!” whenever I see the numbers. These numbers are normally associated with a spiritual awakening from the universe or my spirit guides were trying to reach out to me. I don’t come from a religious background and I’ve never believed in something higher than us human beings (except for aliens but that is another subject completely…or is it?) I think maybe I was too matter of fact about my position on earth.

I do believe that the universe is an almighty powerful thing that is listening to us. I hope I don’t sound too weird here. Ever since I’ve been researching about all these subjects around this certain type of spirituality I’ve felt less alone and I think that’s the most important thing to take from this. I now sometimes see someone in the corner of my eye and feel like a presence is with me randomly. But I’m never scared of that presence like you’d expect to be. I feel positive that I’m being looked after by someone else. Even if you’re reading this and thinking wow this girl is mental doesn’t that sentiment sound lovely?
Another weird thing just to add is that I’m coming across ladybirds everywhere…like everywhere. And then I remembered when I was younger I’d used to see them all the time like they were attracted to me or something. I don’t know if that means something but I like to associate it with my Grandma just giving me a little positive nudge here and there.

Because of this new found spirituality I think I’ve come to understand others who believe in a higher power such as God or whoever a person choses to pray to. I now understand the comfort of someone looking out for you, listening to your prayers and guiding you. I’ll admit I never understood it before but I never gave spirituality the time of day.

I’ve been manifesting a lot, when I first started I manifested to get accepted into my masters course that I begin next month. You might say that I achieved that off of my own back. However, I knew positions in the course would be low due to how late I applied and I felt so strongly about the course that I desperately wanted to make sure I got into this course. I felt like I was listened to.
Manifestation is basically tricking the subconscious into believing you already have the thing you want and thus then the universe will bring that thing to you. The law of attraction! It’s powerful. Being positive will bring positive things back to you, I fully believe in that statement.

Now don’t get me wrong this is coming from a very pessimistic person. I thrived off being negative, I was always negative. I mean I would be quite positive to others but I wouldn’t ever believe the positive statements I was spewing I was just trying to reassure myself and others whilst secretly freaking out inside. I’m still quite a negative person but this work I’ve been doing is helping me shift my perspective.

You can begin with something small with manifestation such as seeing a four leaf clover or certain type of butterfly in the next 24 hours. If you believe it’ll happen it will happen. There is many different manifestation techniques but I mainly follow mediation manifestation techniques on YouTube. It’s super relaxing and it’s a lovely way to start my days.
A lot of people use manifestation for money, trust me so have I. The problem with this is that you have to fully believe that you already have that thing and when you’re like me and constantly worry about money and how little of it you have, that’s not easy. Because money has been my aim for my manifestation recently and I don’t believe it will work I’ve fallen off the manifestation train.
A lot of it is overwhelming as well, there is a lot of videos claiming that you should be doing things like shadow work whilst manifesting otherwise it won’t work and others claiming certain manifestation methods are better than others. It’s an information overload!!!!

I got overwhelmed by the videos popping up on my Tik Tok that I stopped engaging with them and eventually my algorithm changed meaning I saw less of those videos. There’s so many more aspects to spirituality that I haven’t even began to explore yet and I may never do so. The thing is your spiritual journey is your own and however involved you are with it is up to you. You can do tarot readings if you want or not! You can do charka healing if you want or not! It’s up to you. Doesn’t mean the universe won’t listen to you any less.

Losing your job during a global pandemic sucks

As the title of this blog post explains losing your job during a pandemic really sucks. I mean losing your job in general sucks but during a pandemic that is literally being jobless on steroids.
I don’t place any blame on my previous job for what happened, the pandemic made their circumstances incredibly difficult and it was obviously out of their control. So I hold no resentment, which I’m proud of myself to say because I know five years ago I may have reacted differently. This shows growth, when significant life events happen and how I react to them always reveals to me how much I have changed so heavily.
However, doesn’t mean it still didn’t suck heavily. I have now been lumped in with the other thousands of people who have lost their jobs during this life changing catastrophe. I was already part of history just by being here but now I’m part of the statistics caused by the pandemic. I am one of the thousands who is now unemployed (THANKS WORLD).
Oh yeah and let me tell you searching for a job during a global crisis like a pandemic, whew. Don’t do it. Nothing feels worse than being rejected for a sleuth of jobs in one day that you didn’t even really want in the first place. I must admit I do hold some resentment towards those places, I’m a model employee HIRE ME! Maybe I haven’t really grown that much. I always found job searching a soul destroying activity but the current circumstances have added some extra spice onto the soul destroying part.
Anyway talking of resentment, I resent that me acquiring a career or not reflects onto how I feel so harshly. Realistically I’m going to be fine financially, I’m going to be get through this okay. I have options and I’m not going to bore with those details but I know I’m okay.
There are people who are in a worse position than me and experiencing what I’m experiencing first hand makes me more concerned for others and how they’re coping. During the last few months at my job whilst being in touch with the local community, I knew my community was struggling but in my small minded way I thought to myself once this is all over these people will be okay. But realistically that may not be the case for some people, it may take others much longer than me to recover from crisis. That’s terrifying. This could lead me onto a rant about how the government has handled this crisis so poorly but I’m more than happy to admit I’m not articulate or well versed enough in the subject to do so.
The word that most describes my current life path is aimless. I don’t feel like I’m contributing anything positive to my life and others around me. My masters course doesn’t begin till the end of September and I just can’t wait for it to begin so I feel like I have purpose again. I carry a large amount of guilt if I’m not doing anything productive, which can be harmful sometimes. I read recently about how you’re not wasting time if you’re not doing something productive, time isn’t wasted if you’re taking care of yourself just by chilling out or having fun with friends. You’re still utilising that time but in a different way, I need that drilled into my brain as the guilt when I’m not being “productive” is unbearable.
Earlier today I was reading old blog posts from when I was nearing the end of university six years ago. I feel like I’m in the same place again, I’m smarter but I still recognise those feelings I expressed of aimlessness and hopelessness in this big world. I’m still that 21 year old girl, I’m still anxious about my path and my place in the world. I’m sure 21 year old me was hoping I’d be more clear about those things by now. I’ve now got the time, just go to figure out for what that time is for.